Plan B

After all the excitement, the application, telling everyone how I excited I was at the possibility of returning to Malawi, looking through pictures over and over reliving each memory and looking forward to seeing the people I love dearly, I'm not going.

Last Friday I checked my email hoping to have an email from COTN's international consultant manager. And I did! It was right there in my inbox, holding so much hope, and a little bit of fear, but mostly excitement. I was anxious to open it and find out that I had been approved for the next step, that they saw my potential, that this really might happen. And I opened it and read it silently before saying aloud, "Oh, dang." Then I read the email to my friend Hannah, who was incredibly sweet and agreed with me, "That sucks," told me how sorry she was, and gave me a hug. I fought the tears back because it was not the right place or time, but it hurt, and consumed my thoughts for the rest of the evening. When I got home that night, I sent my mom a short message to let her know the news. She knew how much I had had my heart set on Malawi, and she let me know that she was hurting with me. That was when the tears came. There's just something about moms, you know?

A week after getting that email, I sit here thinking about the future. I once thought I had a perfect picture of how life would look after I graduate. I could even picture the house I would likely live in and many of the people I would be able to work with. Now, I don't know where I will be or what I will be doing, or who I will be working with. The future is much more open-ended, which is not all bad. Part of me feels excited. God is going to take me on an adventure, and I don't know where. But I look forward to the joy of experiencing something completely new. If my Plan A had worked out just how I wanted it to, would I be missing out on something better? Something more challenging or where my gifts would be used to the fullest? Of course I will never know the answer to this, but I do know that God is so good and he has my best in mind. So to this unknown adventure, I say "Bring it on."

First Step

As of tonight, Thursday, September 17, 2015, I have officially begun the process of applying to return to Malawi as a Spiritual Care Consultant with Children of the Nations (COTN). There's a lot I don't know, and nothing is even for sure yet. But I took the first step.

I'm feeling a wave of emotions right now--mainly excited and a bit terrified, but even through the adrenaline I feel at peace. I believe this is the right next step for my life, and I can't wait to see how God will work through this part of the journey!

"Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase." -Martin Luther King, Jr.